Conversations I Imagine Having with My Dog

Me: Why are you barking at nothing again?

Dog: I’m protecting us from the wind. You’re welcome.

Me: Did you just eat the cat’s food?

Dog: No… I was inspecting it. For poison. Because I care.

Me: Why are you following me into the bathroom?

Dog: You’re clearly vulnerable in there. I’m your emotional support buddy.

Me: You have five beds. Why are you sleeping on my clothes? Dog: They smell like you. And also, they’re comfier. Don’t argue.

Me: Why do you stare at me while I eat?

Dog: In case you forget how food works. I’m here to remind you. Also… crumbs.

Me: Why do you act like I’ve been gone for years when I only went to the mailbox?

Dog: Time is a concept. My heart missed you like crazy. Let me jump on you now.

Me: Why are you growling at the vacuum again?

Dog: It’s alive. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Dogs may not speak human, but if they could, every conversation would be hilarious, dramatic, and oddly sweet.